What Now?

A review of “The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of them Now” by Meg Jay.

Jay, Meg. The Defining Decade: Why Your Twenties Matter and How to Make the Most of them Now. e-Book, New York, Hachette Book Group, 2012.

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Dear Fellow,

I must confess that writing this review was quite difficult. So much was discussed in the book that I will like to share in this piece. However, I am reminded of the fact that I am not on a mission to rewrite the book nor am I co-authoring a sequel. I am on a mission to share all I can about the book in my limited space here.

Image source: Life Designed

I started reading The Defining Decade just after Grandpa’s funeral in August. I had the privilege of accompanying Dad on that impromptu trip that the other members of my nuclear family couldn’t go on. The few days at Grandpa’s funeral were revealing. In every conversation that extended ten to fifteen minutes with relatives, I couldn’t ignore being reminded that someday I will be in the position to lead the family when the fathers today are no more. By the end of my stay there, I became more aware of my ignorance of responsibility and what I should be doing now.

I had this feeling to look up a review of the book I had read several months before. The review was published on Little Ends, a resourceful and informative publication on Substack. No other title seemed more appealing to my concern at the time than Dr Jay’s. More so, I am two years into my twenties already. I have less than a decade to exit this phase. I realised that life is more about knowing what to do now, how and why. This book promised to spotlight what I should be doing now.

I commenced reading August, my birth month. An engaging read it was, but I wasn’t carried away by the pressure to breeze through the text. I read the book on transit and in and waiting halls. I read it when riding on a tricycle or in a long queue at the bank. So easy and comprehensible a piece—yet instructive—that I need not be seated with a pen in hand, in a library, to get what I want. Meg Jay set me on a journey.

Drawing from years of experience as a clinical psychologist working specifically with clients who are in their twenties, and most importantly, having grown past the age, Jay explores the concerns and intriguing narratives of people in their twenties against the backdrop of personal testimonies and accounts of clients she’s worked with over the years and relevant theories and data. To her credit, she managed to highlight the universal principles which are more applicable to the twenty-something years of our lives and how we ought to play along with them, thereby making the book relevant to folks of every clime and culture.

With broad and extensive coverage, she groups the issues discussed in the book into three parts; namely,

• Work;

• Love;

• The Brain and the Body.

Each part contains at least five chapters. (You do not have to remember everything you read for it to have an effect on you.) It goes without saying, I did not agree with (perhaps didn’t thoroughly understand) every point in the book.

The following are thought processes that were finetuned and adopted while reading.

Easier Now than Later

One very serious point I got while reading—which seems to be the hinge of the book—is that now is the best time to start on the future you want. According to psychologists, every stage of development has what is called a “critical period”. This is ‘a time when we are primed for growth and change, when simple exposure can lead to dramatic transformation’ (pg. 32). I got buckled in when I came at this: ‘To a great extent, our lives are decided by far-reaching twentysomething moments we may not realise are happening at all’ (pg. 10). It is always easier to start now than later; to start being more conscious and responsible for my life, as against the pop culture which makes it seem like now, young adulthood, is the time to have max fun or never. From the reflective testimonies shared by folks of older age groups, it was glaring that now is a better time to launch than later. I wouldn’t miss it now to launch later. I am now more conscious of my future family life as it relates to my life today.

“Availability Heuristic”

A psychology term, ‘the availability heuristic is a mental shortcut whereby we decide how likely something is based on how easy it is to bring an example to mind’ (pg. 337). This term refers to how we trust our assumptions based on too little evidence in making a case for things we believe to be true even if the facts say otherwise. For example, it is easier to say nobody passes Mathematics in secondary school finals because it is easier to point to failures in their numbers over the years in support of that claim. It is far easier to do so than to point to excellent performances, such that it seems impossible to perform excellently. The knowledge of this concept now makes me want to ask “What is the other side of the story?” and not just embrace the widely circulated belief as the ultimate ruling.

The Counsel of Experience

One important point underline every page in the book is the need to have the guidance of the experienced. All of Jay’s clients, in their twenties, caught the light for the needed redirection of their lives after that one encounter with her in therapy, or when they had that one encounter with gainful experience. I remember that while reading, this affirmation became firmer: I will not despise the counsel of the elderly. Though times have changed, the basic principles of every day life remain unchanged. The principles are the naked bodies; our interpretation and communication of them is the dressing. The fashion style has changed over time—still does and will—but the naked body lives on for as long the natural world exists. Jay’s book helped me cherish the counsel of the (elderly) experienced some more.

Reading this book felt like a therapy session with Dr Meg Jay. I can only imagine how much it would cost me if I were to book for therapy with Dr Jay; it is worth noting the value of books—I think I have engaged her a portion of her intentionality toward folks in their twenties. Thank you, Dr Jay.

Your LetterMan,

Tongjal, W. N.

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“Whatever you want to change about yourself, now is the time to change it” (pg. 255).

PS: I told Lengdung I was reading this book when I was halfway into it and he said this is one book everyone should read by all means. Lengdung writes Little Ends.

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